Gone Or Not
by Kelly of the midnight dawn
Summary: All the evidence says that Olivia Benson is dead and Elliot Stabler has always believed the evidence.  So why can't he accept it?  EO Strong T rating
1. Chapter 1: Angie Bennett

**Gone Or Not**

**Chapter 1: Angie Bennett**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. I wish I did but I don't.**

**A/N: This is my next great epic. At least I hope it is. I have high hopes for this story but they may be unfounded. This idea came to me last night when I couldn't sleep and I hope it turns out well. I will be finishing "The Death of Dean Porter" and "I Wanna Come Home" as well but I just wanted to get the first chapter up to see what everyone thinks.**

Blood, so much blood, the air was thick with the unmistakable scent. The blankets in one corner of the room were stained with it to the point where one would not be able to discern what their original color had been. A bucket in the opposite corner seemed to have served as a toilet and was still full, almost to the brim, with human waste. Yet nothing seemed more powerful in that room than the scent of blood.

It was her blood, he knew before the lab had confirmed it. Too much blood lost for her to have survived. The world ceased to spin for Elliot Stabler from the very second he set foot in that God awful, filthy room. It had been her prison, it had been her torture chamber, it had been the place where she had spent her last terrifying moments.

He had failed her. Three months and they hadn't been able to find a solid lead, a lead that he hated himself for not finding sooner. The evidence was right in front of him and yet he refused to accept it. He went home that night and lost himself in a bottle. For days, he turned away any help that his friends or family tried to offer him.

That they hadn't found her body did not mean that she was somehow miraculously still alive even if that was how he chose to think of it when the alcohol numbed his pain. He drifted farther and farther, refusing to accept what he knew deep in his heart was the truth. They hadn't even found the man that had done this. That should have motivated him but somehow it did not.

One day, when Kathy brought Munch, Fin, Chester and Cragen into the house and had them literally carry him to church, he was forced to face the truth. A long talk with Father Dennis had brought him to his senses. She would never want him to be destroying himself with alcohol. She would want him to continue to fight, the way he always had in the past, for justice. She would want him to find the person who had done this to her.

It was after this fateful conversation that acceptance finally settled itself upon him. He went home and held his baby for the first time since the doctor had handed him to Elliot in the hospital. He sank into the rocking chair in the nursery and allowed his life to move forward.

Olivia Benson was dead.

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She felt weak. Steven Muller was a skilled phlebotomist and smart enough to fake the scene. He had told her that they could be together now. She didn't want to be with him. He had forced himself on her every day of her captivity, usually shortly after he had drawn the day's blood.

She hated him. He wanted to dominate her, to own her. She would have fought back and at first she did but he had taken so much blood and barely remembered to feed her. He'd kept her tied up most of the time, left her with only those filthy blankets and that bucket that she couldn't get to unless he came to untie her first. She found herself many times, relieving herself against her will on the already putrid blankets. She hated him and wished to God with all her might, that she had the strength left in her to kill him.

And now she sat beside him in a car, wearing the first clothes she had worn in three months. Her hair, the color having long since returned to its natural dark brown, almost black color, fell limply down her shoulders and back. Her face, thin and drawn, was more pale than it had ever been, even when she had had the stomach flu in college.

Muller said he was taking them someplace private and there was no doubt in Olivia's mind that he was going to finish her off. She stared at him with contempt, wishing that he would burst into flames. He slapped her and told her to be silent though she hadn't spoken a word.

She let her head hang forward. She couldn't think anymore, couldn't fight anymore and couldn't even dream of stopping him from doing what he was going to do next. He pulled the car into the parking lot of a gas station. He reached over, pushing her hand out of the way where it hovered over the seatbelt clip in a last ditch attempt to protect herself from what he was about to do. He effortlessly tossed her into the backseat and pushed up the dress he had bought for her. He told her, as he always did, that she was his now and she would never be able to escape.

He finished and got off of her. He looked down at the pitiful creature he was responsible for creating. He needed to get gas and figured it wasn't worth restraining her. He got out and left her there. He decided to go buy himself a soda first.

He underestimated Olivia though. She wasn't so far gone that she didn't recognize her opportunity. She sat up slowly, though she was shaking all over. She managed to slide out the door of the car on the side that faced the woods. She could barely stand but she staggered on anyway. She'd rather die in the woods than at the hands of that madman.

Slowly, tree to tree, she went. She heard Muller's exasperated shout behind her when he found that she was gone but he hadn't thought to go after her. She counted it as a blessing and plowed on.

After several hours, during which she had probably only traveled two or three miles at the pace she was going, she came to the edge of another small town. She stepped shakily onto the street and tried to get someone's attention. A young, blond woman ran over to her.

"Oh my God," she whispered "What happened to you?"

Olivia nearly collapsed in the woman's arms "Help me, please?" she whispered, trying to stay on her own feet.

The woman supported Olivia and walked with her to a nearby building "You look like you haven't eaten in days. Why don't you come have something to eat at my diner?" the woman suggested "My name's Judy Ellen, what's yours?"

Olivia was afraid that Muller might still come looking for her. She had no idea where she was. She was too scared to think straight. She had to hide, at least until she was feeling stronger. She took a deep breath "I'm Angie Bennett," she lied.

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Elliot's heart pounded; they had traced Steven Muller to this address. Witnesses had placed him there as recently as that morning. He saw the man coming out of the front door and he pounced, barely waiting for his backup as he tackled the man, using what some might call excessive force to subdue him. "Steven Muller," he ground out bitterly as he slapped the cuffs on the man "You are under arrest for the kidnapping and murder of Detective Olivia Benson."

He would have killed the man if Fin hadn't pulled him off while Chester hustled the scum into the back of the sedan. Elliot pulled out of Fin's grasp and sank to the ground. He had caught Muller. He had found the person who had taken Olivia away from him, from all of the people who cared about her, and it had done nothing to fill the hole in his heart.

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"Where did you dump her body?" Fin asked, pacing in front of the table where Muller sat.

"Cut me a deal and maybe I'll talk," Muller countered while his lawyer sat back and watched the exchange fearfully. No one wanted to defend a cop killer.

Muller knew he was going down. It wasn't worth telling them that he hadn't killed her; he had done enough to her to land him in jail for the rest of his life anyway. Besides, she was probably dead by now.

The door of the interrogation room opened and Casey walked in, trying her hardest to hold back tears. Not even for peace of mind and closure would she ever give this jackass a deal. Even Elliot, after a long discussion, had agreed that Olivia wouldn't have wanted it that way.

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Olivia got a job at Judy's diner. She managed to pay for her own meals and Judy took pity on her, allowing her to stay in the spare bedroom of the apartment above the diner, free of charge.

Judy bought Olivia's story that she had hitchhiked all the way from Pennsylvania where she had lost everything in a house fire. Olivia hated lying to this kind woman but she was still too scared of Muller to come clean so she was content to remain Angie Bennett.

One night she lay awake in her bed watching the news; she didn't sleep much as it was. A familiar face appeared on screen. Steven Muller was being escorted into the courthouse. They had caught him. She felt relief rush over her. She could go back now. She drifted off to sleep at ease in the thought that she would be able to go home now and not be afraid. But the next morning she found out something that changed all of that.


	2. Chapter 2: Proof of Life

**Gone Or Not**

**Chapter 2: Proof of Life**

**A/N: Wow, I didn't think I would get such a positive response to the first chapter. You guys are amazing, there's no other way to explain it. I feel the need to explain that I was sleep deprived when I thought this idea up and I was sleep deprived when I typed up the first chapter and this one. I'm pretty sure Olivia is acting as anyone would who survived something so horrible. She isn't thinking rationally which makes for some great fun and drama. Please keep reviewing, I love you all.**

Olivia awoke the next morning feeling almost light hearted. She got up and went to the bathroom. As relieved as she was feeling that they had arrested Muller, it didn't prevent her from her morning ritual of scrubbing every part of herself raw in the shower. She got out and stared at herself in the steamy mirror.

She had been working at Judy's diner for two weeks now and some of the color had returned to her face. Still, she hardly resembled the woman who had been knocked unconscious by a two by four outside of her apartment building over three months ago.

She had dressed and was about to head downstairs to help Judy prepare for the breakfast rush when something occurred to her. Her period, it wasn't something she'd had time to think about for the last three months but now, when she had time to think, it occurred to her that she couldn't remember having it since before Muller had taken her.

She panicked. She had been suffering from malnutrition when she came to stay with Judy. Her baby couldn't possibly be healthy. And then another thought occurred to her. She could be pregnant. She took a deep breath. She couldn't be certain yet.

She tried to put it out of her mind. She would find time to go to the drugstore and by a pregnancy test after the breakfast rush. She would take the test, it would most likely be negative and then she would make a phone call to let everyone know she was alive and safe.

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"Morning Angie," Judy smiled at her then paused, looking at her strangely "Are you feeling alright? You told me last night you were feeling better."

"I'm fine," Olivia assured her. When Judy remained silently staring at her she added "Really I am."

Judy shook her head "You should sit down," Judy was very fond of the woman she knew as Angie Bennett and was more than willing to cut her a little slack here and there.

Olivia looked around, seeing that the diner wasn't very crowded, she obliged her employer. She sat at a table and Judy came over with a plate of pancakes, setting them down in front of her "That's okay," Olivia tried to wave her off "I can wait until you take care of the customers."

"They can wait," Judy smiled, sitting down across from her "I wish you'd take my advice and go to the city to have yourself checked out by a doctor."

Olivia shook her head. The 'city' that Judy was referring to was New York City and up until today, she'd been afraid of being recognized "I don't have health insurance," she replied lamely. She would get herself to a hospital soon enough.

"Just go," Judy urged "I'll pay the bill, just go get yourself looked at."

Olivia smiled. Judy was a good friend but if she only knew half of what had happened… "I'll be fine," she reassured Judy.

"You're sure?" Judy pressed. What she didn't tell Olivia is that she had heard screaming coming from the spare bedroom sometimes at night. Judy was worried about her friend.

Olivia finished eating the pancakes and pushed her plate away "I'm positive," she said, forcing a smile. "Now," she said, getting up "What do you want me to do?"

Judy looked around, the place really wasn't as crowded as it usually was. She looked back over at Olivia "I think I can manage here. Why don't you get some rest?"

"I've got an errand to do first," Olivia said as she climbed the stairs back to the apartment to get her purse. It was a simple handbag that she had bought along with some new clothes with her first paycheck. She looked around the small bedroom. Angie Bennett had made quite a little life for herself in her two weeks of existence. She was almost sorry to see it coming to an end but she missed too many things from her old life, most of all Elliot. She breathed a deep sigh and left the room.

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She sat on the floor of the bathroom, staring at the device in her hand. Positive, she was pregnant. Tears ran down her face. She didn't think she could do this. If she went back now, Muller would find out. There was no doubt in her mind that he would be convicted of something; he would go to jail. But then her child's life would be full of visits to prison; prison was no place for a child. She couldn't do that to a baby.

There was no doubt whatsoever in her mind when she saw those two lines that she would keep the baby. But she couldn't go back. She wasn't sure how far along she was but people would figure out the timeline. Her child would be marked, the same way she had been as a child. They would all know. Olivia Benson's baby had no chance in the world. But the baby of Angie Bennett might have a future.

She dried her tears and stood up. She regretted deeply that she wouldn't be able to make that call. She just couldn't curse her baby with the life that awaited him or her back in New York. It was better this way, she tried to tell herself. As long as they thought she was dead, Muller would be charged with murder. While the state of New York no longer had the death penalty, he would still be in prison for the rest of his life.

She left the bathroom and collapsed on her bed. She curled up on her side and started to cry again. She just wanted to hear his voice one last time. She couldn't say anything but maybe if she just called him… She felt so desperate and alone. She got up and tiptoed downstairs. The diner was empty; she could hear Judy humming in the kitchen. She went over to the phone and dialed.

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Elliot sat, staring across at the empty desk. They hadn't found a new partner for him yet and he was glad of it. He didn't want another partner. He would love nothing more than to quit everything. Staring at the empty desk filled him with more sorrow than it had the other times he had been left partnerless; those times she had only been gone temporarily and even though when she was undercover, there was always that dread that she might not come back, now there was no doubt that she wouldn't.

All of a sudden his cell phone rang. He picked it up and stared at it. A number he didn't recognize flashed across the screen. He flipped it open and sighed tiredly "Stabler."

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This had been a bad idea. Hearing him, she just wanted to be able to see him. She could hear in his voice that he was worn out. She took in a shuddering breath, trying to will herself to hang up but she just couldn't find it in her to do so. She started to cry softly.

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He thought he heard a soft sigh. A noise that he couldn't mistake as coming from anyone but her "Olivia…?" he asked breathlessly, hopefully, desperately "Liv, if it's you, please say something to me?"

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She knew she'd done it. She'd been on the phone to long. The hope in his voice nearly broke her. But she knew she couldn't, she couldn't tell him that it was her, she couldn't confirm what he was so desperately begging her to tell him. But God help her, she couldn't hang up.

"Angie?" Judy had come out of the kitchen and noticed Olivia crying on the phone "What's wrong?"

Olivia quickly hung up the phone and turned to her friend. She frantically wiped at her eyes "Nothing," she lied.

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Elliot stared at his phone. He was sure that it was her. Everything that the evidence had pointed to had to be wrong. There was no doubt in his mind that Olivia Benson was still alive.


	3. Chapter 3: So Close Yet So Far

**Gone Or Not**

**Chapter 3: So Close Yet So Far**

**A/N: Here you go everyone. I'm so happy that everyone is enjoying this story. This is where it takes a bit of a detour from my original plan that I dreamed up a few nights ago. I hope you like the direction its taking. Keep reviewing; I love hearing from all of you.**

Elliot found the mystery number quickly and dialed it, praying that someone would answer. He held his breath as he held on to the hope that he would see her again and soon.

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"It wasn't 'nothing', Angie," Judy confronted her. "Who was it you were talking to on the phone? You're crying."

"I-I have to go," Olivia turned and fled upstairs to grab her things.

"Angie, wait," Judy would have gone after her if the phone hadn't rung at that very moment. She reached for it "Judy's diner. How may I help you?"

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Elliot took a deep breath. Someone had answered the phone but it wasn't her. Still, she had to be there. Who else would call him from some diner that he had never heard of before? But now, what was he supposed to say?

"Hello?" the woman on the other end asked; he knew he had to say something.

He cleared his throat "Hello, I'm looking for a friend of mine," not a lie "She just called me from this number. I'm worried about her."

Judy Ellen was a trusting soul and she decided to trust this man "Yeah, she works hear. What kind of trouble is she in?"

Elliot chose to gloss over this point. After a brief conversation with Judy, he learned that the diner was only an hour outside the city. He thanked Judy and hung up. He got up, grabbed his car keys and ran out of the precinct without so much as a word to anyone.

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Olivia grabbed the plastic bag that the drugstore had given her when she'd been there that morning. She through everything that she owned into it; there wasn't much. Tears continued to fall down her cheeks.

She reached into the drawer of the nightstand and pulled out all the money she had been saving: one hundred and twenty dollars. It wasn't much but she could buy a bus ticket and possibly a meal somewhere while she tried to find another job somewhere.

"What kind of trouble are you in Angie?" Judy's voice came from the doorway. Her concern for her friend was obvious by the way she spoke.

Olivia turned around "I can't tell you," she replied "I just have to get out of here," she made as if to leave the room.

Judy put a hand on her arm "Who was the guy on the phone?"

Olivia froze momentarily "How did you know about him?" she asked.

"He just called here looking for you. Who is he?" Judy asked again.

"He's a good friend," Olivia answered honestly "I shouldn't have called him," she glanced down momentarily "I have to go," she pushed past Judy and headed for the stairs.

Judy followed her "Angie," she pleaded "You can't leave yet. What about the baby? You shouldn't be traveling."

Olivia stared at her "How…?"

"I saw the test in the trash," Judy replied "I know it wasn't mine so…" she smiled softly.

"I can't stay," Olivia told her "I'm just gonna get you in trouble."

Judy shook her head sadly "I'm gonna miss you," she whispered embracing the woman in front of her "Hang on a second," she turned to the cash register and opened it. She pulled out all of the day's profits: three hundred and fifty dollars. She handed it to Olivia "Here," she smiled.

Olivia waved it away "I can't," she said quietly.

"As a present for the baby," Judy stated, reaching for Olivia's hand and wrapping her fingers around the wad of bills "Please take it?" she said, hugging Olivia once more.

Olivia stuffed the money in her purse and smiled "Thank you."

"Take care of yourself," Judy told her.

Olivia nodded and stepped outside "Bye," she waved.

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Elliot pulled up in front of the diner. He jumped out and ran inside. The place was packed with people eating dinner. He looked around for Olivia but he didn't see her. A woman walked up to him.

"Good evening Sir. I'm sorry, I a little short handed right now but I can seat you in a few minutes," she said in a rushed, breathless voice.

Elliot recognized her voice as belonging to the woman he had spoken to on the phone "No, that's okay," he said with a soft smile "Can I just ask you some questions about one of your employees?"

Judy stopped and stared at him "I own and operate this establishment by myself," she replied.

Elliot pulled a picture out of his pocket and showed it to her "Have you seen her?" he asked, his voice shaking slightly.

Judy looked at the picture. She reached out and took it, examining it closely. She nodded slowly but didn't say anything for a long time. Finally, she spoke "How do you have her picture?"

"She's a friend of mine," Elliot answered "I need to find her," his desperation was evident.

Judy shook her head "It can't be her," she said softly "The hair's different. She looks healthier than Angie."

"Angie?" Elliot asked.

Judy finally recognized Elliot's voice from the phone call "What do you want with her really?" she asked, her trusting nature fading fast.

"Please," Elliot said quietly, trying not to let his tears fall "Can you tell me where I can find this Angie? She might be my friend and she might not but I need to know for sure."

Judy took his arm and guided him to a table "You and I need to talk," she stated simply.

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Judy had rushed to get all her customers out as soon as they were done eating and she closed up early so she and Elliot could talk. He had told her about Olivia's disappearance, that she had been kidnapped and that she had been missing for three months.

Judy told Elliot that the woman she had known as Angie had come to her looking half dead. She explained that Olivia had been starving but hadn't appeared to have any other injuries. She also explained about the screams she had heard in the middle of the night. She held back telling him about the pregnancy; she figured that was Angie/Olivia's business.

"Where is she now?" Elliot asked desperately as he set down the cup of coffee Judy had given him.

"She said she had to go," Judy said, not wanting to get too specific.

"Where did she go?" Elliot pleaded.

"I don't know," Judy replied "After she hung up on you she ran upstairs and through all of her things into a bag. I tried to talk her into staying but she was real spooked. I had to let her go. I gave her some money so she could take care of herself and the baby-" Judy's hand flew to her mouth.

"The baby…?" Elliot asked.

"Oops," Judy said quietly before answering his question "I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom in the apartment upstairs. Angie… Olivia is the only other person who has access to that bathroom. It wasn't hard to figure out."

Elliot nodded. Olivia was out there, alone, pregnant and terrified because of what had happened to her. He had to find her. He got up from the table, thanked Judy for her time and left the diner.

Another man came to visit Judy at the diner that night. He had caught wind of Elliot's mystery caller and had the call traced to the diner. He showed Judy a picture of Olivia which she identified right away and wasted no time in informing the man that she wasn't there and that she didn't know where she had gone.

The attorney smiled "That's okay," he said "Thank you anyway," he turned to leave the diner. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the prepaid cell that he had slipped to his client "Girl at the diner confirmed that she's still alive."

Muller groaned "If she comes back to testify there's no way I'm getting anything shorter than life," he thought of something "You've gotta finish her off for me."

Muller's lawyer gulped "Steven, I-I can't do that."

"You do it," Muller growled "Or I'll find someone who'll finish her off and you too."

The attorney gulped again but conceded "Alright."


	4. Chapter 4: Found and Lost

**Gone Or Not**

**Chapter 4: Found and Lost**

**A/N: Love is a many splendored and most times, irrational thing. That's all I'm gonna say.**

Elliot peered around the bus station. It was the closest one to Judy's place and it made sense that Olivia would have come here. He could hear his own heart beating in his ears. He didn't see her. He pulled out the photo and started showing it to the ticket sellers.

Finally, the third man he asked recognized her "Yeah," he said and the affirmative response made Elliot want to hug the man "She looked like she was in a real hurry. Bought a ticket to Vermont. If you want to catch her, that bus leaves in about ten minutes."

Elliot purchased as ticket for the bus just in case and headed for the area that the man indicated. He scanned the faces of the assembled crowd but he couldn't see her. The bus began to board and he found himself jostled on to the bus with the rest of them. Still, he didn't see her.

In the back of his mind the absurdity of what he was doing occurred to him. Was he really going to go all the way to Vermont, just for the slim chance of seeing her again? The answer was absolutely one hundred percent yes.

It wasn't a very large crowd, only about twenty five people or so, still he couldn't find her face among them. He was afraid that he'd gotten on the wrong bus. Then he saw her. She was at the back of the bus with her head down, she was trying to hide her face but he knew it was her. He tried to get to her but someone grabbed his arm and shoved him into a seat "Stop blocking the aisle," the man said as he passed by.

Elliot stood up again just in time to saw the ill mannered man take a seat beside Olivia. He leaned in and smiled at her, whispering something in her ear before placing his hand on her knee. Elliot watched as she shot up and bit back a scream. She tried to cross in front of the man to find somewhere else to sit but he pulled her into his lap.

Elliot could see the petrified expression on her face. He quickly walked over to them "Is there a problem here?" he asked, pulling out his badge.

"Not at all," the man replied.

"I wasn't asking you," Elliot countered, reaching down and taking Olivia's hand and pulling her away from the man "Are you alright…?" he trailed off looking into her eyes. He nearly broke down right there; the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around her almost impossible to resist. But resist it he did. He took her hand and lead her to another seat, allowing her to slide in first.

She sat but didn't say a word even after he had sat down beside her and the bus was underway. After about half an hour, she looked up at him "Thanks," she mumbled.

"Is that all you're gonna say?" he asked in an astonished whisper "We all thought you were dead. It's been over three months since anyone saw you."

"I shouldn't have called you," she replied quietly, picking his hand up where it lay on the seat between them and holding it in both of hers "I wish you hadn't come looking for me, I'm sorry."

He touched her cheek tentatively "Don't ever apologize for that," he said quietly "My God, I wished I'd died with you," he didn't tell her about the night after he and Kathy had decided that it wasn't fair to either of them to stay together just for the baby when he had spent nearly two hours staring down the barrel of his own gun.

"No," she whispered and she threw her arms around his neck, holding him close "Don't ever say things like that, please." She pulled away and looked at him "Why are you on a bus to Vermont?" she asked with a raised eyebrow as the corner of her mouth curved upwards slightly.

"Looking for you," he answered honestly.

"I'm not going back to New York," she stated quietly "I can't."

Elliot shook his head "Why not?" he asked, his voice coming out strained.

"I can't," she repeated "I just… can't."

"Muller's in jail," he told her.

"I know," she said softly, turning briefly to look at the passing scenery "I just can't go back."

"You need to come back to testify," Elliot told her matter-of-factly.

"I won't do that," she replied, looking down at her lap regretfully.

"Is it because of the baby?" he asked and she looked up at him, astonished "Judy told me," he shrugged.

Olivia smiled softly "That girl has a big mouth."

She was silent for a long time after that. It was an hour before either of them spoke again. It was Olivia who broke the silence "How're Kathy and the kids?"

Elliot groaned, actually outwardly groaned, at this "Don't change the subject," he told her.

"I'm not," she replied evenly "I was just curious that's all."

Elliot sighed "They're fine," he paused and took a deep breath "I moved out again."

"Oh, El," she whispered, her own troubles momentarily pushed to the back of her mind; she felt safe on the bus, felt safe with Elliot there beside her.

"It was a mutual decision this time," he assured her "It's not fair to either of us, or the kids and considering…"

"Considering…?" Olivia repeated slowly.

He looked away from her briefly "Considering that I was a drunken mess for a week, Kathy's afraid of what will happen if I lapse into that behavior again around the kids."

She placed her hand on his shoulder "El…" she trailed off. If she had known what this had done to him, she would have tried to contact him sooner. But fear had prevented her from doing so just as now, fear prevented her from returning to New York with him to testify.

"I'm fine," he looked back up at her, his eyes locking with hers "Now."

She leaned into him as she started to cry. He held her and began to cry himself. That was how they spent the remainder of the bus ride, in each other's arms and to each of them, it somehow felt right.

The bus arrived at its destination and the passenger's got off. Olivia lifted her plastic bag of belongings and followed Elliot out into the streets of the town. Her heart was heavy for what she was about to do. She stood on her tiptoes and brushed her lips across his "I have to go now," she whispered but before she could disappear around a corner, he had grabbed her arm.

"No," he said forcefully but he saw the fear and the pain in her eyes and he released her "Oh God," he whispered "I didn't mean to…"

"I know," she said quietly, still too stunned to move, not that she wanted to anyway but she had to.

"Call me when you get settled," he conceded, afraid to let her walk away from him but somehow unable to force her to come back to New York with him.

"I will," she whispered as tears gathered in her eyes "I know you don't understand why I have to do this but thank you for letting me."

Elliot nodded. Before she turned away, he pulled out his wallet and handed her all the cash he had left "It's not much," he said "But maybe it'll help."

"Thank you," she whispered and then she was gone.

Elliot stood there for a long time. It didn't occur to him until an hour later that he had bought a one way bus ticket back in New York. He was out of cash so he went in search of the nearest ATM. He got out enough money to pay for the ticket home and left. He didn't realize that someone had decided that the best way to find Olivia was to track Elliot's movements. So as he watched the town fade through the bus window and his heart sank to the souls of his shoes, back in New York, one very nervous attorney was packing for a trip.

**A/N: I couldn't keep torturing Elliot with only the hope of finding her but at the same time, it wasn't time to have them shacking up yet. I hope you liked it.**


	5. Chapter 5: Conscience

**Gone Or Not**

**Chapter 5: Conscience**

**A/N: Here is the next chapter. Thank you all of you who have reviewed.**

She walked briskly down the tree lined streets. It was getting dark and she hadn't found a place to spend the night. Not even so much as a park bench had presented itself to her. She hadn't wanted to stop anywhere to get a bite to eat; she was carrying approximately five hundred dollars in cash and was too nervous to stay in one place too long.

The chirping of crickets invaded her mind as she turned down another street, he pace quickening when she thought she heard something move in the bushes behind her. She tried to calm her breathing, reminding herself that it was probably a small animal, a cat maybe. After all, she was in Vermont, rural Vermont. There was a lot here that was much different than what she was used to.

She turned another corner, nearly jogging by this point, when she noticed an inviting looking house with warm light spilling from the front windows, casting long shadows across the road. An elderly woman sat on the front porch, seemingly staring aimlessly off into space but when Olivia tripped over the root of a tree and went tumbling to the ground, the woman jumped up and rushed out of her yard to see if she was alright.

"My," she said, placing her hand on Olivia's arm "That was quite a spill," she smiled warmly at the younger woman. Olivia's unconscious reaction of pulling away from the woman's touch and the look in her eyes did not go unnoticed. "It's all right," the woman told her "You're safe here," it was obvious to the woman that this woman in front of her had been through a lot "Come on, I'll make you a cup of tea," she offered kindly.

Olivia nodded numbly. It was cold and she wanted to get off of the street even if it was just for a few minutes. She followed the woman up the stairs to the porch and inside the house. The woman led her to an armchair and instructed her to sit. Olivia looked around the room, it was cozy. A fire burned brightly in the fireplace, warming Olivia's cold and clammy skin.

"My name is Eleanor Bradley by the way," the woman called from the kitchen "I haven't seen you around here before."

Olivia nervously shifted her small bag of belongings from one hand to another before setting it down on the floor beneath her feet "I just got into town today," she said a bit shakily. Olivia's eyes rested on a photo above the mantel. The picture was of Eleanor and a woman who looked about Olivia's age. The younger woman was holding a baby in her arms and both women were smiling.

"My daughter," Eleanor said, returning to the room with a tray holding a cup of tea and a plate with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it in front of Olivia. "She and her husband moved to Florida a few years ago. That picture was taken this spring when she came to visit," Eleanor smiled at the photo "The baby's my grandson. He'll be a year old just a few days before Christmas."

Olivia nodded, turning in Eleanor's direction. She froze when she saw what was on the wall behind the couch that Eleanor was sitting on. It was a shotgun. Her eyes went wide.

Eleanor followed her gaze and smile reassuringly "We have problems around here with wild animals," she told Olivia "I keep it around here for protection. I usually keep it in a lock box but my neighbor's daughter was attacked by a coyote yesterday," she paused, looking down at her lap "Poor thing's still in the hospital and shaken up," she looked back up again "You can never be too careful."

Olivia nodded and breathed a sigh of relief as she picked up the cup of tea and took a cautious sip. She set the cup down and took a bite of the sandwich. She chewed it thoughtfully, well aware of Eleanor's gaze on her the entire time.

After a long time Eleanor finally spoke again "So you just got into town?" she inquired "Have you found a place to stay yet?"

Olivia looked up "Well… no… I was wondering if you knew where there's a motel around here," she looked away "Or maybe a park bench," she added quietly.

"There aren't a lot of places to stay around here," Eleanor told her "But if you'd like, you can stay in my guest house. It's not very big but it's comfortable. My daughter stays there when she visits but the rest of the year it's usually empty."

Olivia smiled gratefully, pulling out her purse "Thank you," she whispered "How much?"

"No," Eleanor waved her off "I'm just glad for the company."

"Please," Olivia insisted "Let me at least give you something."

"No dear," Eleanor said kindly "But if you want to, you could tell me your name," she smiled.

"I'm sorry," Olivia smiled softly, extending her hand without missing a beat "I'm Angie Bennett."

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"Where the hell have you been?" Cragen asked Elliot angrily as soon as he set foot in the squad room late that night. "My office, now!" he barked, leading the way into his office "And shut the door," he added as he took a seat behind his desk.

Elliot stood there facing his captain. He opened his mouth and was about to say something. But what could he say? Was he supposed to tell Cragen that Olivia was alive? Was he supposed to say that he would have to leave town because there was no way he could testify at Muller's trial without perjuring himself? He finally thought of something to say but Cragen cut him off.

"I found a new partner for you but I've recently learned that that will no longer be necessary," he looked up from the papers in front of him "So when is Olivia going to be joining us again?"

Elliot's jaw dropped almost to the floor "How… how did you…?" he trailed off in astonishment.

There was a knock on the office door "Would you get that Elliot?" Cragen asked.

Elliot did as he was told, opening the office door to reveal Steven Muller's lawyer: Liam Bradshaw. The skinny man's eyes were full of fear. He stepped inside the room and immediately backed into a corner, pressing his back firmly against the wall. His eyes darted from Cragen to Elliot and back again several times.

"Thank you for joining us Mr. Bradshaw," Cragen said to the terrified man. He turned to Elliot before continuing "Mr. Bradshaw was made aware of the call you received this afternoon," he said pointedly "He did some digging and has come to what I assume is the same conclusion you have," by his tone it was obvious that Cragen was angry "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked "How long have you known that she's still alive?"

"I only found out this afternoon when I tracked down the diner that the call came from," Elliot replied.

"Well," Cragen continued "Let's forget for a moment that Steven Muller can no longer be charged with murder and the legal mess that is going to come from this. We have a much bigger problem," he looked in Bradshaw's direction.

"I informed my client of the situation," Bradshaw began shakily "He was… displeased."

"So why are you here?" Elliot asked bitterly "Isn't this something that you should be having a screaming battle with the ADA about?"

"No," Bradshaw looked away "I can't defend him anymore. And I can't do what he's asking me to do."

"Which is…?" Elliot pressed.

Bradshaw took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, looking to the window at the building across the street fearfully. He wondered just how many friends on the outside Muller had. He opened his mouth and in a trembling whisper he said "He wants me to kill her."


	6. Chapter 6: Secrets

Gone or Not

**Gone or Not**

**Chapter 6: Secrets**

**A/N: It's been a while. I hope you guys are still interested in this one. Enjoy!**

"Your baby looks like a healthy little one," the ultrasound operator at the free clinic smiled at Olivia.

"Is it a boy or a girl," Olivia asked eagerly. She found herself wanting to know terribly.

"Let's see," the tech ran the wand across Olivia's just barely swollen belly. She smiled at Olivia's eager expression "It's a girl," she announced.

"Thank you," Olivia said softly, her smile wide and bright as she took the towel that was offered to her to wipe the gel from her stomach. She put her shirt back on and walked out to where Eleanor was waiting for her.

"I'm glad you finally took my advice," Eleanor smiled at Olivia as they walked to the car "You need to take precautions to make sure you bring a healthy baby into this world."

Olivia nodded. She had been meaning to get herself to the free clinic since she had arrived in town three weeks ago but settling in had been so hectic. She had found a job at a local farm, running the farm stand by the side of the road. It paid well enough. With Eleanor not charging Olivia a dime to live in the guest house and insisting that Olivia join her for dinner practically every night, Olivia had been able to save her money and had made herself quite comfortable in the little guest house.

"You can never be too careful," Eleanor was saying as she drove them home "When Camille was pregnant, she called me every night;" Eleanor smiled "She was so worried. All first time mothers are…"

Olivia nodded as the car pulled up in front of the house. She stepped out "Thanks for driving me," she said as she walked towards the house.

"Would you like a cup of tea Angie dear?" Eleanor asked as she placed a hand on the younger woman's arm.

Olivia shook her head "I think I'll go lie down for a bit," she said softly.

"Good," Eleanor smiled "You need your rest," she headed into the house while Olivia went around back "Working all day, standing on your feet without a bit of rest. I swear Morris should get a damned clue to how he should be treating his employees," she muttered.

Olivia didn't even have the energy to fold out the couch bed as she collapsed on it as it was. She felt her baby give her insides a brisk kick. She laughed a little bit "Sorry little one, Mama's gotta rest now."

She closed her eyes and her thoughts automatically went to the place they always did, Elliot. She hadn't spoken to him since that day when they had parted ways near the bus station. He had made her promise to call when she got settled but she'd been what one could call settled for over a week now.

She wanted desperately to call him again. But still she was afraid. She knew her daughter was better off here, was better off never knowing who or what her father was. But part of her still ached to feel Elliot's presence either beside her or simply knowing he was there on the other end of the phone.

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The next morning, Olivia made the seven block walk to the convenience store where she purchased a pre-paid phone card. It wasn't long after that that she found a phone booth.

She took a deep breath and let it out, closing her eyes and hoping she was doing the right thing as she dialed.

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"We can't force her to come back," Elliot stated, continuing the same argument he had started with Cragen three weeks ago. He sat at a table in Judy's diner with Cragen, Liam Bradshaw and Judy. It was Sunday so Judy had closed the diner so they could have it as a private meeting place. "She's safe where she is."

Cragen took yet another calming breath. He, Elliot, Judy and Mr. Bradshaw had kept the fact that Olivia was still alive between them Judy and Liam seemed to side with Elliot but Cragen just couldn't accept that Olivia wouldn't testify. "The judge will soupiness her," Cragen defended his point.

"The judge thinks she's dead," Liam countered.

"And so does Muller's new attorney," Elliot added "He's trying to say that Muller's not competent to stand trial with claiming that she's still alive."

"But she is still alive," Cragen said irritated "And if Muller can cast a shadow of doubt over that for the jury, he could try to convince them that he never hurt her at all."

"All the evidence says otherwise," Elliot remarked referring to the massive amounts of Olivia's blood found at the crime scene and semen samples that had been identified as Muller's amidst all the blood.

"And the insanity defense holds even stronger," Cragen said simply "This guy deserves to rot in jail, not spend some time with a bunch of doctors until they miraculously say that he's cured."

"All I know is that she doesn't want to come back," Elliot said as he stared Cragen down "Even if I wanted to 'force her' to return here, which I don't," he emphasized "She wouldn't come back."

"The trial won't start for a few months," Liam reminded them. Though he took Elliot's side, he was still worried about what Cragen had said. If Muller got off, who knows how man more people would be hurt.

The conversation was interrupted by the ringing of Elliot's cell phone. Everyone's eyes were on him in an instant. They all were hoping the same thing. Elliot got up and excused himself from the table. He flipped open the phone, hoping perhaps even harder than the others that it was Olivia "Stabler," he greeted.

"Hey," the quiet voice greeted from the other end.

Elliot breathed a small sigh and smiled "Hey," he returned gently "How've you been?"

"I've been okay," she said glibly, hoping that the topic would change soon.

"Have you found a place to stay?" Elliot asked desperately. Countless times over the past weeks, he had wondered if she was indeed safe as he had been telling Cragen, if she was taking care of herself.

"Yeah," Olivia assured him "Got myself a job too."

"Can I come see you?" Elliot needed to see her for himself, be able to wrap his arms around her and know for certain that she was okay.

There was a long pause on the other end. Olivia wanted so badly to see him too "Please do," she whispered before she knew that the thoughts had been put into words and that those words had escaped so that Elliot could hear them.

"I'll drive up there right now," Elliot said almost instantaneously "Just tell me where to go."

Olivia hesitated once again "Could you meet me at the bus station, please?" she was afraid someone would follow Elliot if he came by car.

"Alright," Elliot agreed. He was so desperate to come see her that he would have agreed to flying there naked, hanging from a bunch of party balloons if he had to. "I'll meet you at two."

"Thank you," Olivia breathed. "I gotta go," she said suddenly "Goodbye." There was a click and then silence.

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Elliot stepped off the bus. He wore a baseball cap that he had pulled down so it nearly hid his entire face. He carried a bag with extra clothes and a bunch of stuffed animals that Judy had given him as early presents for the baby.

His eyes searched the small group of people as as they began to move off in different directions. He finally spotted her. She was standing in the shadow of a tall tree. She still looked frail and she still looked afraid.

He walked over to her "Waiting for someone?" he asked with a smile.

Olivia looked up and had to restrain herself from jumping into his arms. She was so glad to see him. She'd missed him terribly ever since they'd parted ways in that exact same place three weeks ago. She smiled "Hey," she whispered and took his hand, leading him down the sidewalk.

They'd been walking for a long time in silence. Olivia was the one who took the initiative to break it. "What's with the bag?" she asked.

Elliot laughed in spite of himself "Cragen thought it was best if I disappeared for a few months."

"Disappeared?" Olivia asked, confused.

"I can't very well stay in New York and testify at Muller's trial without perjuring myself," he stated "Besides," he added turning to her "I missed you."

Olivia smiled, glad that he wasn't here to drag her back in cuffs to appear in court. "When is the trial?" she asked.

"Eight months," Elliot answered.

They finally reached Eleanor's house. Eleanor was sitting on the porch waiting for them. As they approached the worried look on Eleanor's face became apparent.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked as she climbed the porch steps and took a seat beside the elderly lady.

Eleanor looked deep into her eyes. She wasn't one to watch those twenty four hour news channels but that day, she had been flipping through channels and had come upon a story about a woman who greatly resembled her trusted friend Angie. Eleanor took a deep breath "Who are you?"


End file.
